If you don't know Don and I very well, you don't know that we grew up almost our entire lives Catholic. We attended a Catholic school, Catholic church regularly, got married in the Catholic church after making the decision to become confirmed, and we had ACP baptized Catholic. A lot of my heart belongs in the Catholic church. However, after a long mental battle, we both agreed it just wasn't the place for us. It never had anything to do with not liking it....we just felt like we needed to find a place where we - as christians - could grow closer to God. We stopped attending church & drifted farther & farther away from God, religion in general, shortly after ACP was born. Have you ever sat in a cry room with lots of little kiddos? Yea....well, it's more frustrating than anything I have tried to do. It really took a toll on us - even though we didn't know it.
It wasn't until after we attended church with a former co-worker of mine that we really felt like we walked away from church learning something....something that we could apply to our lives. Now....I say that to say...I have always been the type of person that never wanted to try anything new....and I still am. Anytime someone would ask for me to attend "their" church I would freeze & quickly deny. It wasn't until my co-worker continued to talk about how things applied so much to her life, I saw how happy she was, and it pretty much took us hitting rock bottom spiritually to get the courage to take ACP somewhere and "leave" her in a classroom with people I had never met.To this over anxious mommy - I was terrified!
Growing up in the Catholic Church, we were emerged in prayer, tradition, and religion classes. I heard stories, I knew about God, but I never really knew the bible. Nor do I now. I could & still can say a prayer by memory & never truly reflected - personally - on what or who I was praying for. We have a church home now....a place where we love, where Addie learns so much, and where I can truly feel like I am taking something and trying to live a better life. It's helped us in hard times, when Don had open-heart surgery, when I have mourned with friends, watched people suffer and die, I took these things I have learned & applied it to life.
Now...Don't get me wrong. I still do not know even 1/1000th of the bible - I still have questions, and I still ask why way more than maybe I ever have. But I know that its ok. God accepts & loves us. We will never, ever be able to wrap our human minds around God, his power, his wonder, and all he holds for us.
So...with all that being said, I do truly miss the Lenten Traditions within the Catholic Church. The prayers, the smells, the traditions, the stations of the cross....all was/is very moving. If you have never been to a Catholic church, you must visit during this Lenten season. It's truly amazing, and so moving.
Despite the fact that I don't classify myself as Catholic anymore, I do yearn to take part in the Lenten process - maybe because it really brings back memories of my childhood. Giving something up for 40 days to show dedication and sacrifice. Doing something so hard - as what Jesus did for us. If you think about it....40 days compared to the life he led teaching, performing miracles, but receiving so much ridicule and harmful treatment....nothing!
So why do I find it so hard to give something up? Why does this journey seem so hard compared to what Jesus did for us....to have eternity in heaven? It's because - all of us are materialist & selfish. We are human.
We are - especially me - distracted by the everyday routines, to-do lists, and things that need to be accomplished. So I sit here....still struggling with what I will do over the next 40 days.
Will I give up coke? Oh, how I love a good Coca Cola Classic!
What about pasta? Who wouldn't love a big bowl of anything Olive Garden right now?
No.
Those are all great options!
But what I need to do, for myself, for my relationship with God - I have chosen to completely submerse myself in prayer. I want to pray for 40 things. One each day. My friends, friends of friends, world situtations, heartbreak, miracles. Anything. I want to become closer to God. I want to build a stronger relationship with him. Isn't that what he yearns for? Isn't that what each of us, deep down, yearn for?
So....my Lenten Journey will begin & end with prayer. And after these 40 days, I pray that I will have a better sense of the needs for others around me & not just my selfish wants & needs.
I challenge you - to pray with me. I challenge you to pray a little bit more that what you normally may. I challenge you to pray & thank God for what we have - not what we need.
Overall, my duty as a parent is to raise Addie as a christian & a follower of God. Children learn from examples - and boy do I know that teaching a bunch of 3rd graders! I want to be an amazing example. I want to do everything I am capable of to make her the best person she can be. I realize that she is not mine. She is not Don's. She is God's. We are God's. And while I am here on this Earth - this is part of my job. This is part of what I am called to do.
Here's to 40 days!
XOXO,
Jessica
“And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for
they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others.
Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast,
anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen
by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees
in secret will reward you.
